Monroe Blvd

I was driving my inconspicuous superhero car (i.e. piece of junk) down the frosted Monroe Blvd when I came across a particular looking white van with a crest painted on the side of a large creature waltzing with a round shadow of a figure. I pulled up to the stoplight and saw Hank in the driver's seat wearing his Prada sunglasses. This was serious. I looked away, hoping he wouldn't see me, but when I looked back he was already getting out of the car. I slammed on the gas, hitting a goose on my way past the antique shops. I checked my rear view mirror and Hank was hanging onto the bumper of my car, his mouth filled with asphalt. Behind him was Mr. Flup in the van giving me the finger. The road merged and I narrowly missed a stroller as I came to the antique jewelry shop on the corner of Elm St. Outside, a black cloaked figure stood selling cologne and gold chains at a reduced price. I recognized him, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it... CBG fans, please help! Where did I meet this man? And what was he doing in the middle of my car chase scene?

AIM, part 1

sharkattack518: hey
jkforever2000: hey
sharkattack518: I'm out of beer
jkforever2000: I'm sorry
sharkattack518: and my fish died
jkforever2000: oh
sharkattack518: and my heaters are broken. I'm freezing
sharkattack518: and I can't stop eating
sharkattack518: and my mom's in the hospital
jkforever2000: oh
sharkattack518: every time I sit on a chair, it breaks
sharkattack518: and every time I put up a bird's nest, it falls
sharkattack518: I feel like I'm choking
sharkattack518: please help
cigburngurl123: burn

Homework

Dear Cigarette Burn Girl,
I am ashamed of myself. All of my assignments have frowny faces on them.
Yours Truly,
Trixy

CBG works in mysterious ways

His fingernails were peeling off like he was made of clay. The river had white peaks; the red swan was perched on a can of Coke. His tall friend was dreaming of unrest beside him.  It had been a perfect picnic, but the fireworks were too close and fell on them, leaving smoldering marks on their skin.

The man's face was coming apart like an artichoke hart. The river was dark like a mood ring; The tall boy looked up. "It's just what we needed," he said, blowing softly on the holes in his skin, which were still smoking. "CBG, you and me, forever....."

More About Mr. Flup

It is always awkward running into Mr. Flup at the liquor store. Without Hank, he doesn't pretend like he can beat me. I realized as soon as I saw Mr. Flup that he was wearing a new tie. He must have been uninvited to a party. He coughed at me but it was only because he had a nasal drip. Then he winced because he just recently had a root canal. I know because we go to the same dentist.

Little Bits

Dear Cigarette Burn Girl,
Johnny made fun of my bad dandruff today. I think I like him. Please help me.
Yours truly,
Stephanie

IS

She is wearing earrings. She is in the waiting room and she is wearing earrings.
She is eating tofu. She is in the changing room and she is eating tofu. She is wearing a gown.
She is sweating between her legs. She is putting on plastic socks and sweating.
She is getting her head glued down. She has her period and she is breathing quickly.
She is joking and she doesn't mean to be joking but she is joking.
She is tucked in like a duck's nest and she is rolling. She is a duck and she is being rolled.
She is waking. She is WAKING AND SHE IS WAKING UP AND SHE IS

First Day of School

Kathy had sweaty hands and hair that was hard to control. Everyone forgot her name the second after they heard it. When she got up in front of the class to speak, she choked on the word "excited" so that no one heard the last syllable. When the teacher called on her, she would say "um" for a long time before speaking. At lunch, she would wander up and down looking for her friends. Then she would realize she didn't know any of these people after all. She met a nice girl in her class, but she ruined everything by smiling at her too much. The people that bothered to pay attention to Kathy thought she was either creepy or stupid. At lunch her drink would always spill on her tray while she walked. She liked to wear pink polo shirts with capri pants and white flip-flops from Old Navy. Every subject was her worst. Her mother would throw away her report cards before even opening them. She drove a minivan. Her underwear was always riding up. She had warts.

Now the whole school will remember the day Kathy Perkins got burned by CBG!!!!

Blind Date

My first time meeting Hank face to face was an accident. I met him anonymously online and we talked about what it was like to have the burden of humanity on our shoulders. I made jokes about my pet poodle and he explained that poodles make him sneeze. We decided to meet after realizing we both used the same brand of toothpaste and had attended the same summer camp and would forever be completely alone. When I got to the french restaurant, Hank was sitting on a workout bench the wait staff had brought in for him instead of a chair, wearing a red bow tie as we had arranged. The minute I saw him, I knew it was too late. He stood up suddenly and the table fell over. He popped a bubble on his chest with his fist. "That's her!" he said, and Mr. Flup rushed to his side. I got out my pack of cigarettes and lit four at once. I held two in each hand, ready to defend myself. Mr. Flup clumsily put on his cape, curled himself into a little ball and rolled towards me. I jumped out of the way and he crashed into the dessert tray. Hank began stomping towards me, baring his teeth. He sneezed. I thrust my cigarettes into his paws and the smell of burning plastic made the people in the restaurant scream. Just as Hank lifted his heavy leg to swing a kick, Mr. Flup rolled into me from behind and I tripped and fell on my back. I distracted Hank by blowing smoke rings in his face as I crawled to the safety of the dark street, where two of my admirers were waiting in a limo. I left the restaurant without receiving flowers or kisses. When I looked at the bruises in the mirror at home, all I could think about was holding Hank's smoldering hand in mine.

Good people of my city, please help me. I need a sidekick to protect me. Send your resume to cigaretteburngirl@gmail.com

James and Devin

The sun was shining hard. James was looking out his bathroom window while peeing. This was difficult given his broken leg and broken arm, not on the same side. Someone had written "forever you will be" on James's cast. He also had hearts next to the word "never." His mustache and beard were growing out now. His mother would make him pour his own cereal. He would always spill the milk and think about not crying. He was a very strong man. He had a tattoo that said "win" across his chest and several wrestling trophies on his shelf. The kid that put him in the coma in the first place was named Devin. He had a lot of hair on his chest. When he said "hey," people would think it was an insult. Devin liked to stare at his fish tank and think about drowning in the pacific. When he poured his cereal, he ate it dry. Not because of lactose intolerance, but because he hoped it would break his teeth. He hoped for a prize ring to get stuck in his mouth forever. He hoped for girls to spit on him at school. James just wanted to pee without help from one of the volunteers. They both need my help. Cigarette Burn Girl is here!

Mr. Flup

Hank's sidekick works at a furniture store on the side. The three other workers have names like "John" and "Chris" and "Liz". They stand in the corner goofing off and juggling decorative paperweights while making fun of their boss, Inga. Hank's sidekick doesn't wear a name tag, but Inga tells me he goes by "Mr. Flup." I saw him walking around and meticulously straightening pillows and arranging throw blankets. He seemed like he was always in a hurry. He kept his cape stuffed in his pocket. The wood parts of the floor were so slippery from him mopping them that he had to tiptoe across the room to the other workers. "Don't you people know I have lives to save?" I heard him say to Liz. "Cigarette Burn Girl is roaming the streets as we speak!"In fact, I was right outside. I felt a mixture of jealousy and pride when I heard him. On one hand, it is always nice to be considered a threat. On the other hand, wasn't I enough for Hank? Did he really need a sidekick to fill up his time outside of his office job? Sometimes I have dreams that Hank would take my hand in his big plastic paw and dance with me next to his filing cabinet. Sometimes I dream Mr. Flup will roll onto his back like a roly poly and never be able to get up. But I have to focus. These are the people I need to overcome. Cigarette Burn Girl will not be stopped!

Jacob

Dear Cigarette Burn Girl,
I am not embarrassed about the holes in my shirt or the round scars on my face. You have taken care of my real humiliation. The part of me that worries constantly about going to the bathroom in public. The images of my mother playing with my hamster until it died. The moment when everyone but me decided to go roller blading. The time I wore a neckbrace to the grocery store and someone said, "would you like this in your cart?" and it was a vegetable. The time I called my ex-girlfriend crying and it turned out her number belonged to a bakery. When I blew out my speakers, broke a lamp, sat on a three legged chair, played the wrong keys on the piano, ate a jalapeno peper and pissed myself at thanksgiving. When a letter came in the mail and it said "You've been denied." When I realized I couldn't picture my own face even when I was looking in the mirror.
Now all I see are the holes.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart,
Jacob

First Cigarettes: Part 2

Lisa was what some might call stubby. She had dark brown hair cut off too short, knees that jiggled, and bras that were too tight. Her shorts bunched up at the crotch and she had a brown mole in between her eyebrows. She liked to eat honey with a spoon. Her family was getting a divorce. Her older brothers were moving out and her sister was moving in with her Dad. She had friends who bored her. They made jokes about celebrities who weren't that famous. They liked to do lanyard.
One day Lisa was staring at the mirror in her locker. She saw Jessica Lime stop just behind her and she jumped. They hadn't spoken since elementary school. Lisa turned around. "Hey Lis," Jessica said. "I wouldn't spend too much time looking in that mirror if I were you." Lisa apologized. Jessica shoved her out of the way and re-applied her lip gloss in front of the mirror. "Anyway, we're all going to the rocks after school. You should meet up. Lates."
Lisa grabbed her make-up bag and ran to the ladies room. She missed sixth period. She twirled her frizzy hair with gel until it looked like a crunchy mess. She put on crooked eyeliner and the glitter from her eyeshadow fell onto her cheeks. She tried to slice off the mole between her two eyebrows with a nail scissors and blood ran down her nose. When school was over, she went to the rocks.
It was Jessica Lime, Brittney Koffing, Ellie Lazar, and Quinne Forbes. They were it. They had formed a pack in seventh grade and were hardly ever seen without each other since. Jessica was just lighting a cigarette. The smoke looked beautiful coming out of her perfectly round mouth. "Want one?"
"Um, sure," Lisa said. Ellie lit it for her and it felt like her first memory of her mother brushing her hair. She didn't cough. She even blew some of the smoke out of her nose and hid the fact that it burned a little.
"We're real glad you're here, Lis," Jessica said. "So glad," Brittney chimed in. "Because we've been wanting to do this for a long while. "What do you mean?" Lisa was getting excited. "We mean," Jessica said, "This."
And before she knew it Quinne was holding her arms back while Jessica pressed her cigarette directly into the circular brown mole that was still bleeding from earlier. She screamed, but only for a split second. The rest of them laughed, tossing their cigarette butts carelessly at her feet and hiking back up the rocks. "See ya, Lis."

New Developments

Extra! Extra! This just in! Hank has a sidekick! I saw him today walking quickly under an umbrella next to a tiny fat pink man with a round chin and eyes shaped like spoons. He was wearing cowboy boots and had a cape that was too long so he kept tripping over it, and then he would look behind him and say "who's there?" They stopped to buy ice cream cones and the pink man ate each scoop in one bite. Then he looked sharply at the sun and said "Stop sparkling!" I followed them to the park and Hank pushed the man on the swings. Then they did pushups. Then Hank blew a whistle while the man ran in place and his fat jiggled. Afterwards Hank clapped and it made the sound of bubble wrap and then they gave each other a high five. I think they are practicing to defeat me!

I am so lonely without a sidekick. Please email me at cigaretteburngirl@gmail.com or leave a comment with your qualifications.

Rejection

When I burn someone with a cigarette and they act like they just don't care.

First cigarettes: Part 1

Elizabeth was never supposed to be born. Like all babies, she learned to cry first. Everything else came so quickly. She learned to smoke cigarettes when she was twelve. She stood outside against the brick wall of a church, tapping the toes of her white patent leather mary janes. Ricky was sitting on the swing opposite her and watching her pray. Elizabeth called God “the sweetness” and that made Ricky laugh inside. He had stolen the pack of cigarettes from a gas station along with two rolls of bubble tape. He handed her one.

            “I’m thinking the sweetness will put more freckles on me for this,” she said, folding a piece of gum into her mouth. “And I’ll be so spotted you won’t be able to see my cheeks anymore.”

            Ricky examined the dimples on her knees. “It’s cool,” he said. Ricky’s first cigarette had been two years earlier, in a basement with his father who was fighting dogs. The crowd was sweaty and shrieking like a collapsing balloon. His father saw him smoking and laughed. “The lord knows you deserve it just like the rest of us,” he said. Then he turned his son around and grabbed the cigarette from his hand, pressing it firmly into his left shoulder blade.

            They smoked four cigarettes in a row and it made Elizabeth have to run behind the perpendicular wall and vomit. “I’m fine!” she yelled to him, but he came anyway. When she picked her head up, he ran his thumb across her lips. “Sweet,” he said. She quickly walked past him and grabbed the matchbox from the woodchips, lighting another one.

            “I’m not sweet,” she said. 

            “Fine,” he said, grabbing the pack out of her hand. He walked away like a dog pulling hard on a leash. 

Sweet Dreams, My Nemesis

I took pictures of Hank while he was sleeping. Unlike me, smoke does not come out of his nose when he snores. Instead, his lips grow and shrink like an inflatable mattress. His plastic body crinkles when he breathes in and out. When he dreams of nice things, he blows kisses into the air. When he dreams of funny things, he snorts and giggles. When he dreams of bad things, he opens and closes his mouth and smashes his sharp teeth together while growling.

Every time I snapped a picture, little hearts came out of the end of my cigarette and I blushed.

Why I must burn Ginny

Ginny sent me a letter. In short, here are her complaints:

1. Ginny dreams about sex and she thinks its punishment. She dreams of having to masturbate in public. She dreams about questions like, "do you like this?" When she wakes up, she never wants breakfast. Not even McDonald's.

2. Ginny's job is a joke. She sells Proactiv Solution over the phone. People call her excited, saying they want new faces. She sells them the crap and then lies in her bed and rolls back and forth like a baby trying to crawl.

3. Ginny's puppy is getting too big for her to walk. He sometimes pulls her into the street. She looks both ways until her neck aches.

4. Ginny used to write poetry and submit it to online contests. She bought five poetry collections featuring her poems before realizing it was a scam. She keeps them in an old guitar case that has a Pink Floyd sticker on it.

5. Ginny hears the word "normal" echoing in her ear when she chews.

Real stomachs don't like celery

Dear Cigarette Burn Girl,

Yesterday, I passed a television store that was playing only Lady Gaga music videos. Where were you?

Love,

Halfred

Cigarette Burn Girl Returns!

After a long recovery from a gasoline accident, I have returned to find a world crankier than I could ever imagine! People are blaming their friends and neighbors for their bad days! I have received over 300 letters from people asking for my help, and I do promise to respond to them in due time. My nemesis, Hank, has been gathering power for three years now, and since I never responded to his dinner invitation, is now even more eager to defeat me. How will I ever be able to fix everything when I'm this sleepy?