Blind Date

My first time meeting Hank face to face was an accident. I met him anonymously online and we talked about what it was like to have the burden of humanity on our shoulders. I made jokes about my pet poodle and he explained that poodles make him sneeze. We decided to meet after realizing we both used the same brand of toothpaste and had attended the same summer camp and would forever be completely alone. When I got to the french restaurant, Hank was sitting on a workout bench the wait staff had brought in for him instead of a chair, wearing a red bow tie as we had arranged. The minute I saw him, I knew it was too late. He stood up suddenly and the table fell over. He popped a bubble on his chest with his fist. "That's her!" he said, and Mr. Flup rushed to his side. I got out my pack of cigarettes and lit four at once. I held two in each hand, ready to defend myself. Mr. Flup clumsily put on his cape, curled himself into a little ball and rolled towards me. I jumped out of the way and he crashed into the dessert tray. Hank began stomping towards me, baring his teeth. He sneezed. I thrust my cigarettes into his paws and the smell of burning plastic made the people in the restaurant scream. Just as Hank lifted his heavy leg to swing a kick, Mr. Flup rolled into me from behind and I tripped and fell on my back. I distracted Hank by blowing smoke rings in his face as I crawled to the safety of the dark street, where two of my admirers were waiting in a limo. I left the restaurant without receiving flowers or kisses. When I looked at the bruises in the mirror at home, all I could think about was holding Hank's smoldering hand in mine.

Good people of my city, please help me. I need a sidekick to protect me. Send your resume to cigaretteburngirl@gmail.com

James and Devin

The sun was shining hard. James was looking out his bathroom window while peeing. This was difficult given his broken leg and broken arm, not on the same side. Someone had written "forever you will be" on James's cast. He also had hearts next to the word "never." His mustache and beard were growing out now. His mother would make him pour his own cereal. He would always spill the milk and think about not crying. He was a very strong man. He had a tattoo that said "win" across his chest and several wrestling trophies on his shelf. The kid that put him in the coma in the first place was named Devin. He had a lot of hair on his chest. When he said "hey," people would think it was an insult. Devin liked to stare at his fish tank and think about drowning in the pacific. When he poured his cereal, he ate it dry. Not because of lactose intolerance, but because he hoped it would break his teeth. He hoped for a prize ring to get stuck in his mouth forever. He hoped for girls to spit on him at school. James just wanted to pee without help from one of the volunteers. They both need my help. Cigarette Burn Girl is here!

Mr. Flup

Hank's sidekick works at a furniture store on the side. The three other workers have names like "John" and "Chris" and "Liz". They stand in the corner goofing off and juggling decorative paperweights while making fun of their boss, Inga. Hank's sidekick doesn't wear a name tag, but Inga tells me he goes by "Mr. Flup." I saw him walking around and meticulously straightening pillows and arranging throw blankets. He seemed like he was always in a hurry. He kept his cape stuffed in his pocket. The wood parts of the floor were so slippery from him mopping them that he had to tiptoe across the room to the other workers. "Don't you people know I have lives to save?" I heard him say to Liz. "Cigarette Burn Girl is roaming the streets as we speak!"In fact, I was right outside. I felt a mixture of jealousy and pride when I heard him. On one hand, it is always nice to be considered a threat. On the other hand, wasn't I enough for Hank? Did he really need a sidekick to fill up his time outside of his office job? Sometimes I have dreams that Hank would take my hand in his big plastic paw and dance with me next to his filing cabinet. Sometimes I dream Mr. Flup will roll onto his back like a roly poly and never be able to get up. But I have to focus. These are the people I need to overcome. Cigarette Burn Girl will not be stopped!