Sick of waking up in the middle of the night wondering if someone was outside my house and needing a beer, I decided to show Victor Vandido's picture around the local bars. Hush was widely known for housing some disturbing characters late into the night, so I started there. Lighting two hopscotches on my way there, I heard a familiar laugh behind me. I turned around and saw Mr. Flup and a skinny redhead walking arm in arm down the black carpeted sidewalk. The booming bass coming from inside Hush made Mr. Flup begin to walk in rhythm. I felt more alone than ever as they passed me by, not even bothering to recognize me as a threat. In my head I thought of the cigarette fireworks display I put on during a prison baseball game resulting in third degree burns on 7 out of the 10 victims, who of course woke up relieved and eager to turn their lives around. Inside Hush, the bartender, Tommy, called me over to him, spilling everywhere.
"You better be careful," he told me quickly, "I saw Hank going into the men's room earlier. I think the pink fellow is here too, what's his name?"
"Seems like business is good."
"Oh yeah," he said, "Just look at the celebrities!" he pointed at the wall behind him which contained photos of most of the cast of Everyday Heros, a show about firemen. "Oh sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to insult you."
"Have you seen this man?" I said, showing him Victor Vandido's driver's license.
"No, I think I would remember him. Curious, does he have a face?"
"He won't when I'm done with him."
"What?"
"I'll have wine. Blue." (fictional world)
Just then, Hank stumbled out of the men's room onto the dance floor, his plastic feet sliding on the spilled beer. Mr. Flup hurried over to offer him a shoulder, causing both of them to tip over. To my utter surprise, Hank began weeping. The crowd formed a circle around him as he pointed directionless into the air screaming "I'll get you, Vandido!" I snuck out the back, reflecting on the night's events. Was it possible that Victor Vandido was insulting Hank with his kind words? And if Hank and I had a common enemy, would that make us friends? I briefly thought of kissing Hank on the ear before stopping to burn a cat in a tree.
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I'm a superhero who burns people with cigarette butts. I only burn people who are already having a bad day so they can blame me for it, that's why I'm a hero. When I am done burning people I sit down and I cross my legs and I wink, sometimes I eat a cookie. When I stay home the world gets cranky. I have a nemesis. His name is Hank. Read all about me! Cigarette Burn Girl!
About Me
- Cigarette Burn Girl
- written by Lindsay Frankel
2 comments:
http://www.youtube.com/user/Vandido
Dear Cigarette Burn Girl,
My name is Prof. Donald Poofy, and I'm also a licensed P.I. in New York, Illinois, and Alabama (long story). Let me get right to the point: I think I can help you find this Victor Vandido.
I have a few clues that might be able to aide your search. I did what I do with any mysterious person I'm beginning to trail. I take out my magnifying glass and carefully dissect their name. You see, some consider my methods a bit eccentric, but I have some very important clients whose names you would shudder to hear. In any case here is what I found doing my tried and true anagram search:
Victor Vandido rearranges to spell:
Vivid Actor Don: could it be the late Don Knotts returning as a beguiling ghosty?
No Dirt, Viva Cod: this is an interesting lead, a former farmer turned fisherman perhaps?
Void Divot Narc: a bit hard to decipher but a divot is traditionally a patch of grass lifted by a swinging golf club. So, a sort of bad golfer cop?
Again, I have a very high success rate, and have worked for some of the richest people ever. So please, stop questioning my methods!
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